I sit on the couch day after day and between feedings and cries and naps, I look at my daughter and I can’t remember what I did before she came along. What did my days look like when I didn’t have this one to take care of? I can’t remember what free time looks like. I had all sorts of plans during my pregnancy about what I was going to do on maternity leave. I would tell my co-workers and they would laugh at me.
“Just you wait, I am going to get our house organized and make dinner more often and get so much reading done.”
They just laughed and said it’s never going to happen.
And then Addison came along and two weeks later Andrew went back to work and I realized this mom stuff…it’s tough stuff. And those co-workers of mine, they were right. I haven’t touched a book in over a month and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve made dinner. Being a mom isn’t cut out for everyone and it takes all sorts of patience and calmness and all things that I didn’t think I had until Addison showed up.
There are screams and feedings and more cries and just wanting to be held and no-sleep-through-the-night nights and right when I think I am at my wits end and I can’t do it anymore, she stares up at me with those big beautiful blue eyes and grabs onto my finger so tightly and I just melt because I know I wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world.
The other day my sister made a comment about how this is what I’ve always wanted. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, even when I was little but I would never admit it and I don’t understand why now. The older I got the more the idea scared me but when Alyssa said that to me, I knew she was right. Addison is everything I hoped and dreamed for. I always wanted to be a mama.
Babies…”they are manna from heaven”. I stole that from Abbey because I couldn’t think of a more perfect way to say it. The way they are constantly discovering new things and are so fascinated by them. The way lint gets stuck between their little fingers. The way Addison holds onto her noopie (our pacifier alias) while she sucks away and doesn’t even realize it. The way she folds her hands into a prayer when she is really screaming and has just had it. It all makes my heart swoon.
My most favorite thing is when she cries and no one else can soothe her but once she’s in my arms she stops and everything is better in her little world. It gets me everytime and makes me feel so needed. There isn’t a way to describe this kind of love between a mother and her child. The word for me is “Addison”. Addison is my love word and she is my heart walking around outside my body. She is my everything.